Family conundrums...scattered to the winds.

[Firedome]

I guess chat is the right place for this, but it's not electronic in nature. Here goes:

Nowadays it seems families tend to get scattered all over, the US has always been a place where the pursuit of dreams has tended to lead to re-location from the heart of where families first settled, but the tendency has become even much more pronounced since WW II for sure. At one time all of my wife's family who emigrated from Germany (on both sides) to Baltimore were still there, until the 1970s. Now they are in NM, NC, VA, FL, DC, only 1 aunt & uncle in their 90s are left in MD. All my grandparents and aunts, unlce, cousins were originally from Boston, (though my 3 sibs & I grew up in MD thanks to Bethlehem Steel) Now my and my sib's offspring live in NC, FL, RI, ME, CO, NY, VT, and NO one is left in MD. This is not unusual in many families anymore it seems, because of jobs, wanderlust, climate, retirement, whatever, but in a way it seems a pity as family closeness is certainly not like it was pre WWII, yet in the end, what could be more important?

Our own situation is perhaps typical of the times, but as we get old(er) family IS what seems most important as we move towards the end of our lives. Yet with our own 3 children and 2 grandchildren so far away (2 families are a long & expensive plane ride to CO, and 1 family a 6 hr car ride to VT), it's a real problem now. Until last year 1 son lived here, one a longish car ride away, and 1 a plane-ride distant, sort of a deal-able situation. But the closest one left for CO last Fall. Now it seems we'll be forced to re-locate to be a real part of their lives, and they a part of ours, not occasional visitors/guests. We've spent a fortune flying to Denver 6 times in the last 15 months to visit our adorable new grandson, and we love seeing him grow. Yet we can't afford to fly frequently, have no desire to live in a huge super-expensive fast-growing city of 3 million (metro area), and VT, though beautiful, is a cold and expensive place to live year round, rated low for retirees due to those 2 factors. We honestly don't know the answer. Phones and facetime are great but it's not the same as being an active part of each other's lives. Did, or does, anyone else here face this kind of family separation/distance dilemma? How did you cope? I'm envious of the old-time families who were born, lived, and died in one place. I'm no sociologist, but I feel that, in a way, we are all feeling the effects of family separation and the resulting lack of closeness today.

[hermitcrab]

Think that's bad ? one Daughter lives a mile away with her family... we see each other on special occasions... holidays / birthdays ... otherwise we will see each other on the road and wave , it's not due to any disagreements or anything ... she has her own life as we do. we chat on the phone my other daughter lives in florida , last time we visited ?.. 2007 , why? was still working and my wife .. the animal lover has a menagerie of animals that must be taken care of still to this day .. My wife and I made a pact once the pets are gone , we will travel ...it's the times ... it use to be follow dad into his line of work , a laborer, or the auto plant , etc, as college was not so important then ... today they make it a must... college or work as a burger flipper but no job today is a guarantee to be able to retire from...My son who went to college has been in 3 different state in 5 years for his work in IT. never know where he will be half the time ...

[19&41]

That's afairly common problem these days, what with chasing down jobs. My first took me nearly 2000 miles from our family home. Laid off there and moved 2000 miles back and 60 miles north. Laid off again and 800 miles southeast. In the meantime all my family passed on. I guess it would be better to have family to work to visit as opposed to having none left. Fortunately my sister has her family built up down here, so I am all their uncle in varying degrees of greats.

[electra225]

My extended family when I was coming up was maybe close to 75 people with aunts, uncles, cousins. We spent every Sunday "after preachin'" together. There would be 50 people at the house for Sunday dinner. I was as close to cousins and second cousins as I was my siblings. Some of those same cousins I haven't seen in nearly 40 years. The aunts and uncles, grandparents, and members of their inner circle are all gone now. I talk to my brother a couple times a year. I haven't spoken to or seen my sister for several years. The wife keeps in touch on Facebook, but I don't do Facebook. I have nieces and nephews I have never met. It's sad. I have family heirlooms, pictures, that kind of thing that will end up in the landfill when I'm gone because nobody cares about that stuff. We recently had my great-grandmother's Bible recovered. She got it from her parents in 1870. It will end up in the landfill when I'm gone. It has all the birthdates of almost everybody in the family, written in her handwriting.

[TC Chris]

My great-aunt had a photo album of pix she and her friends took around the turn of the 20th century. She was suggesting that "nobody cares about these old things" and, fearing that Aunt Edna would pitch it, my mother purloined it. And it gives her great-nephews and niece great joy today. I've just gone through a scrapbook my great-grandmother kept. All manner of cool stuff--railroad and lake steamer passes (her husband eventually worked for the railroad), photos, news articles. It's how I learned that my great-grandfather once ran a drug store in the town where I now live.

As to distance.... I saw my MI grandparents maybe 5 or 6 times a year, and my AL GPs about once a year. The issue was distance and my parents' busy lives. More might have been nice, but I'm kinda glad I didn't have to hang out with 'em all the time. And the infrequent visits made those visits more memorable. Perhaps best of all, we got to see the GPs in their own environments.

My AL grandmother fed my habit by snagging old radios for me....

Chris Campbell

[William]

Greg, before any of your family treasures end up in the landfill have Mari reach out to family members and see if there is any interest. You might be surprised that someone family is into genealogy and would love to have the Family Bible. My cousin has our family history traced back to 1600. If no one in the family is interested then reach out to the town were you all lived. They have have a community history center that would be interested. Even my little town of Hart has a history center and it is filled with donations that members of the community have donated to keep our history alive. Just my 2 cents!

Bill

[Hi-Fi-Mogul]

Greg, before any of your family treasures end up in the landfill have Mari reach out to family members and see if there is any interest. You might be surprised that someone family is into genealogy and would love to have the Family Bible. My cousin has our family history traced back to 1600. If no one in the family is interested then reach out to the town were you all lived. They have have a community history center that would be interested. Even my little town of Hart has a history center and it is filled with donations that members of the community have donated to keep our history alive. Just my 2 cents! Bill

Bill, I agree completely.
There is almost always someone who loves to
keep the family history.
And there are local cultural history museums that are real
jewels, especially since we are a nation of immigrants.
Make that 4 cents now.

[Firedome]

Interesting about grandparents. I too only ever saw mine once or twice a year, same with aunts/uncles/cousins, all of them living in MA or NY, and my parents, who were HS sweethearts, had moved to Allentown PA then Baltimore MD before I was born, so we only saw our family relatives on vacation or Thanksgiving.

My wife's family was the opposite, everyone lived in Baltimore on both sides of the family, and she and her sisters had Sunday dinner with alternating Grandparents every week. We were the first to move away in 1998 after their Dad & Mom died, her 2 sisters then moved, 1 to FL, 1 to VT. They only ever had 1 cousin, still in MD with her elderly parents, but she's agoraphobic, never drove, and kinda weird. We do manage to see her 2 sisters, one in VT frequently, 1 in FL for a week very winter... luckily she loves family visitors! They were, and still are, very close sisters, the youngest is the family historian and has done a lot of research and documented it.

And we've always been very close with our 3 "kids" - 35, 40 and 45 yrs old. So the last year has been difficult as only 1 is within driving distance now. Maybe we could get used to Denver when we get old enough to not care about going out much anymore, the population density, new building, and traffic there is unbelievable. Although we grew up in Baltimore we moved to MD's dairy farm country after college in 1972, since then have been spoiled by that, then VT, and suburban Binghamton is pretty mellow and laid back too, while the Metro Denver area sprawls for 50+ miles in every direction.

[TC Chris]

And we've always been very close with our 3 "kids" - 35, 40 and 45 yrs old. So the last year has been difficult as only 1 is within driving distance now. Maybe we could get used to Denver when we get old enough to not care about going out much anymore, the population density, new building, and traffic there is unbelievable.

Moving is a traumatic experience. I moved in 1994 at the age of 47 and vowed I would never do it again. The big problem was my valuable "stuff"-- the radios, books, tools, supplies, and plain old good junk. It might be easier of you can afford to pay somebody to pack it up and cart it for you, but as a DIY project it was daunting.

We are in an age when we can enjoy family connections electronically. When I was a kid , "long distance" was rare and expensive, even if you chose "station to station" and risked getting the wrong person. Now there is email, free phone, video chat, photographs via various sharing sites, and all that. I have enjoyed reading old family letters recently. They were the frequent mode of communication in my parents' and grandparents' days. Letters flew so often that they usually had no date--just "Thursday a.m." People kept up at great distances. In-person visits were fewer.

When older adults move, they lose a whole network of long-term friends, neighbors, and co-workers. They may lose long-term medical people who know their medical history and treatment preferences.

And what if your kids have an employment-related need to move from the place where you have moved. You're going to burden them with a whole lot of guilt if they have to break the news to you that they're outta here.

I counsel staying put. Calculate the cost of moving. The mover (a big chunk). The house sale/new house purchase. Differences in taxes and insurance costs. Take that money, invest in, and use to to pay for visits.

Chris Campbell

[electra225]

My closest relationships are with members of this forum. I have more contact with you guys than I do any of my blood relatives.